Today is just a catching up day.

Have I really not written a blog post yet this month? Oh gosh, I'm slipping. I suppose the fact that I went into a tiny depression and felt like the writing blogs thing and making videos thing was pointless and stupid had a little bit to do with it... But no matter, I'm here again.

I made a video and immediately got mad at myself for rambling on for five minutes because that means I have to wait for five minutes of footage to render. Whatever, I'll wait.

Suddenly it occurred to me how embarrassing it would be for me if anyone actually ever did find this. I mean, that is kind of what I wanted when I started this, but at this point it's just months and months of me writing to myself as if I were writing to an audience. Sheesh, how arrogant! It really has been six months since I started this, though, hasn't it? Yep, June was six months ago. Almost seven. I'm a little bit pathetic, I guess. But at least I admit it.

Days until X-mas: 3
Current book: Son of a Witch

End of NaNo, End of the Quarter

Today is the last day of NaNoWriMo. I have less than 25,000 words. Let's just say this was not my year. I've completely failed to keep my blog updated, but I think that's alright considering the people whose blogs I read, and actually have readers also did not update their readers. So I feel less bad about this.

Not only is NaNo ending, but so is the fall quarter at my school. I think I managed to scrape by with passing grades in at least two of my classes. The third one I'm not so sure about, but I'm working on an assignment for that right now that will hopefully help to bring (or keep) that grade up.

I don't have any finals during finals week, so I'll be able to leave early for winter break. I'll probably go home Wednesday of next week on a train with another girl who lives near me.

My final project for my writing class is really exciting. I get to make a video for YouTube. I've already filmed part of it, and I should start editing in case I need to re-film stuff, just because I want to make sure it's good. Yay for making videos again! That was something I also didn't really do this month. Heh heh...

Stressed free write (again?)

Jlkshjriuririroirt

I feel like my brain broke. I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything and I am so overwhelmed with everything I need to do and know and I don’t think I can handle it. I need to find some way to deal with all this but I don’t have the time or the courage to ask people about it and I hafjha;jahjajhsjasjlfjl. I just need to do some button-mashing for now and save the fixing for later. I need to write a class blog entry on something that I don’t understand, and I need to write a presentation on something I don’t understand, and I need to write two papers on more things I don’t understand and I feel like the only class I even know where to begin with anything in is crew. That I’m getting pretty well, but I’m afraid that I’ll have so much to do for that that I won’t have time for anything else. Ahhh!

I just need to stay positive. It’ll all work out in the end. If I just keep persevering and work at it little by little, I can do this. Okay, yeah, I can do this. I don’t need to make A’s all the time anymore; it is okay if I have less. I would like to get at least a B in writing, though, so I can take fiction or poetry instead of 39C. But I can handle 39C if I have to. It will all be okay. I just need to believe and keep working, and it will all be okay.

Fully Immersed in the NaNo

Today is November 7th, exactly one week after the beginning of NaNoWriMo. At this very moment, I have 11,029 words and the start of a very strange story. But that's alright, because NaNo is really more about quantity than quality. I'm starting to feel the pressure to complete my recommended word count every day, especially with assignments starting to pile up and be due, and I have so many things I would rather do than homework. And my crew hours for Threepenny Opera have started, so now I'll have even less free time. Oh well.

I have an essay that I need to start for my writing class, and I have a presentation for a group project due on Tuesday that I haven't even started research for yet. I also need to write an essay for my acting class, and I'm still not sure what the essay is supposed to be about, besides The Laramie Project (what about Laramie, is my question).

In addition to these I need to apply for housing next year and register for my classes next quarter. Oh the joys of being a college student. Bleh.

I'm sure I'll figure it all out in time. I hope.

The Laramie Project

Tonight I saw the final preview of The Laramie Project that my school is putting on. My first reaction was "amazing!" It was put on in the black box theatre, so it was really intimate. I don't think the actors were even wearing stage makeup. The way the audience was set up there were several rows of seating right in front of the performance space, and two rows on either side, so it was a bit of a half-assed theatre in the round. I was sitting in the front row stage right, so there were times when I was behind the actors, which was interesting.

(I realize I'm typing this somewhat like a school paper, but that's because I plan to use these first reactions as a reference in a paper I need to write about it.)

Anyway, the set was extremely minimal, consisting only of three levels of platforms and a few chairs and tables. This allowed the space to be used as any location necessary. The whole concept of the show was that they were reenacting interviews taken by the citizens of Laramie, Wyoming, right after the attack on Matthew Shepherd, so there were a lot of locations, but none of these locations were described in much detail. The lighting played a lot into setting the scene and pulling focus from one spot to another, and the only times when the space was entirely dark was at the ends of Acts one and two.

In an ensemble show like this where all of the actors play multiple characters, the actors did a good job in differentiating each of their characters to the audience. The mannerisms of each character distinguished them each from all of the others, in accordance with the subtle costume changes.

Afterword, there was a small talk-back session with the director, and it was really interesting to hear his comments on the show. Apparently, he was actually able to talk with the playwright and several of the other members of the theater company that conducted the interviews, and he got the playwrights permission to change a couple of the scenes that were meant to be held on the phone into in person confrontations. That was pretty cool to learn.

I actually started to cry a little during Dennis Shepherd's speech in Act three about how one of the guys that killed Matthew deserved to die, but he wanted him to live and remember what he did to his son. That was a really emotional moment, especially because the lighting was really low, and there was a blue light behind him that made everything seem more dramatic. Very intense.

Anyway, I have to get to bed or my roommate will probably kill me in the morning when she has to wake up for her 8 AM class and I get to sleep in.

Days until NaNo starts: 2

You can always go back home...

So I retract my previous statement of a few months ago about not being able to call that place that my parents own "home" anymore because I went there over the weekend, and as soon as I stepped inside on Thursday evening, I thought "I'm HOME!"

So yes, last weekend was lovely almost in an "escape from reality" sort of way. I got to see my family, and I got to see my three best friends who all just happened to stay at home. I contemplated transferring to UCSC to be closer to home, but then I thought of all the new friends I'm making here and how I want to have time to get to know them, and how much progress I'm making in the whole "becoming an adult" thing. I think I'll feel much better about being here once I'm not in a dorm room anymore. The lack of furry pets and privacy is kicking my ass. I just have to reassure myself that it is only until June. Of course, with that mentality, I will waste my entire year and look back on my Freshman year of college wondering "what did I do that year??"

Anyway, I'm back in those dorms now, and my roommate still hasn't shown up from her trip home this weekend. I have to say, this whole college experience reminds me so much of Looking For Alaska with the no smoking or alcohol, but some people do it anyway, and the people who live close enough are the "Weekday Warriors." Yeah, I have little private geek-out sessions. All the time.

I think if things don't change soon, I am going to start demanding hugs. I miss those. I used to get hugs every day, and now I don't get any hugs at all. This needs to change.

My writing style is always so fragmented, I've noticed... I start really strongly on one topic, and then start to ricochet off onto other completely unrelated topics that only I could connect. Oh well.

I still haven't finished my Halloween costume. I need a pair of wings, a magic wand, and sudden zombie makeup skillz. I am least worried about the last part. I have no idea where costume stores are around here. Why are bus routes so confusing?

Days until NaNo: 7

Some Adjustment

I actually managed to finish all of my homework that is due tomorrow before the sun set, which is a feat that I don't think I've accomplished since middle school, assuming I had homework due the next day. Even now I'm in such disbelief that I need to check the calender again to make sure.

And it seems that I've completed one assignment for Wednesday by beginning another for Wednesday. Life is awesome right now!

Oh wait, there is some reading for tomorrow, but it's only 20 pages, and I can skim. I have a few hours between classes where I can finish that, so it's no big deal. Woo hoo!

After forgetting about one assignment in one class, I've realized that missing assignments is not the end of the world. That one assignment was worth pretty much a maximum of 5% of my grade, and it occurred to me that I no longer need to aim for straight A's. At this point, no one cares what my exact GPA is, as long as I'm passing. I already have the accomplishment of straight A's throughout Middle and High School, and at this point I'm not trying to get into a good college anymore because I'm already attending a great one. I really just need to pass and I'll be fine. That way of thinking helps me feel a lot less stressed.

NaNo You Didn't

After years of hearing about it from a friend who was participation, I have finally taken the step to sign up for NaNoWriMo this year. I've been wanting to do it, but every year I have some excuse or something. Last year, that excuse was applying for colleges. But now, since I am in college, that is hardly an excuse anymore, and I can't think of any other reason why I shouldn't. So here I go, attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. Wish me luck.

Free Write

I was feeling stuck while doing a homework blog, so I decided to do a free write to get the juices flowing. I thought I'd share it here.

I really just need to type whatever I think of right now just to get my thoughts out and clear my head and to get myself typing and get the juices flowing and everything. Whew, I’m surprised that last sentence doesn’t catch as a run-on. Whatever, it doesn’t matter anyway, the most important thing right now is to not stop typing and hope something comes out of it. Perhaps this is something I can do while I’m doing NaNo, if I decide to do that, which is partially ridiculous that I said “if” because I’ve already made up my mind to do it, so I really just need to sign up to make it official and it’s so exciting because I’ll actually have a semi long-term project to work on that’s not school related, but might help my writing in some way. I really don’t know what to say right now and I should have done this in One Note so that I don’t have to actually save this but still have it saved. I can’t believe that by just writing about nothing I’ve already got a higher word count than the blog that I’m supposed to be writing, and I think it’s really stupid that we’re assigned to write blogs that are like essays because really that just takes all the fun out of blogging, and I don’t think that anyone would really ever write a blog about analyzing literature. Blogs are written about fun things like fashion and what I ate today or cooked, and they’re not about analyzing literature, they’re supposed to be like online diaries that anyone can read. Sure, some of them have specific purpose, but I don’t like writing blogs like that, I just want to splurge out all my feelings for the world to see. I want to be able to freely write what I feel and not what I’m told. This just turns me into a big ball of frustration and anger, and frustrated and angry me is not something I want to be all the time, and this is making me be that. I don’t like it, I don’t like having to write as a form of effective communication. Well, actually scratch that, I do like writing as an effective form of communication, just not to analyze rhetoric. I’m still not entirely sure on the concept of rhetoric. It just doesn’t make sense to me, it hasn’t clicked yet. This is really annoying and frustrating and I should stop writing this so that I can write my blog and glossary entry so I have time to get my fish tomorrow. Even though I still have an hour before my class after Brittney leaves for her class, so we’ll be back with some time, but still.

Creative Block (again?)

I would like more than anything to create something funny and exciting for YouTube right now. Something with an actual script and a storyline that requires specific hair and makeup and actual editing instead of just jumpcuts. I would be really happy to do that. But I really have no idea what to do.

I don't think this is the first time I've encountered this problem. In fact, I think I was in this very same situation over the summer

Wait, never mind all of that. I just had an idea!

We'll see if anything comes of in within the next couple of hours. If anyone actually read this thing, then this might be an exciting insight into my thought process. You would know hours before anyone on YouTube did that I was posting a new video soon! You'd be the insiders who knew everything ahead of time. If only you actually existed.

Still Haunting Me

I don't think I ever mentioned it in my blog, but ever since I started working on The Wizard of Oz this summer, references to the show have been haunting me. That wasn't exactly unexpected because it seems like every time I do a show, I become hyper-aware of things referring to it, and usually see some parody of it in Family Guy or something (i.e., when we did Brigadoon, somebody saw the episode with a reference to that on closing night). However, since Oz is such a well-known show, there are references to it everywhere. Especially in late night cartoons like Family Guy and Robot Chicken, which happened to be on right when I got back, so I would watch them. There are at least three episodes each that reference Oz. And then, I saw at least two comic strips in my paper with references. There was a point in time when I saw Oz references on a daily basis, and not even just during the show.

And even now, still, there are things about The Wizard of Oz everywhere. There is a poster downstairs with a drawing of Dorothy that says "There's no place like Prado..." (Prado is the name of my hall), and today I just signed up to audition for The Wiz. If I get into that, I think the references may never stop.

Summer Brain Rot

I am so not used to this whole 'formal writing' thing anymore! Now that school has started again, I need to start answering questions and write somewhat-coherent an thoughtful drama journals, but it seems like I've completely lost all ability to do that over the summer. I can write about myself and what's going on in my life for days, but once it actually needs to be read by someone for a purpose, I fall apart. Not to mention that I'm out of my comfort zone and I rarely have any time completely alone anymore. And I need to cut my nails, they're making it hard to type...

Other than the needing to write things thing, college life has been fun. I've been socializing and making friends. I think I may have mentioned that in all my other posts since I've gotten here, but whatever. Yesterday my whole hall watched Singing in the Rain out in the common room. And speaking of common rooms, I joined the Harry Potter club on Wednesday. I'm a Ravenclaw.

I still haven't had a chance to work out since I got here, so I have no idea what's going on in the way of weight and health. Although, I've noticed I don't really snack as much here, mostly because I haven't paid for any of the food and I feel weird taking it. Except for the granola bars; I picked those out and if my roommate's mom hadn't just up and bought everything, I would have paid for them myself. And I've been getting more and more bold about making myself a sandwich or something from our "pantry" if I'm hungry and don't feel like going to the commons to eat. I think tomorrow I'm going to try to go for a run around the park or something.

More adjustment.

Adjusting to life here is interesting... difficult but fun in a way. I've started to become close to people in a very short amount of time, with absolutely no one I already knew around. I've already found out that there are a few people in my hall that are in my acting class, which is good. One of them is in my suite (meaning we share a bathroom) so I won't be the only one getting ready that early in the morning. I feel the friendships beginning to form, but it's odd because I've never made friends with this many people this quickly. Before it was, like, one or two at a time over several years and introductions from other people. Now it's a whole bunch of people all at once that I may have seen briefly before at orientation or when I visited here in April.

I found out that we have to read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead for my acting class, which I directed in high school. That was an exciting moment for me, which turned into an embarrassing moment because the teacher then asked if anyone had "the book," which I thought meant R&G, so I excitedly said that I did because I had directed it, to which he replied "Oh, I mean the other book," by which he meant the required textbook for this class, which I also had. And then, of course, it was my turn to read the next portion of the syllabus. Gah, I'm so awkward.

In about three hours, I'll be in my writing class, the third and final class I'm taking this quarter. I think I already mentioned that I know some people in that class. I'm not entirely sure where the room is, but I know where the building is. I think I'll be able to figure it out from there.

College life is fun, I like it :)

Homesickness and Late Night Gatherings.

Brittney (my roommate) went home for the weekend, and even though we've only known each other a week, I miss her already, almost more than I miss my high school friends. I think it's because I know she's supposed to be here, and everyone else has other places they need to be. I still haven't made any other really solid friends here, although I'm not putting too much pressure on myself to do so. I already know that a girl from my hall and a girl I randomly met in the park on Monday are going to be in my writing class, and I'm sure there's a chance that someone I know will be in my acting class, and I've got all year to get to know people in my hall, so I'm not worried.

What the freaking hell? Some guys just walked past my room with a BLARING stereo in the middle of the freaking NIGHT! If I had been trying to sleep, that would have made it impossible! Who the hell blasts their stereo in the middle of the night?? I know tomorrow's only Sunday, but I have an audition at 9 AM! And they're coming by again! I don't want to close my windows because then it'll get really hot, but I might have to if I want to get any sleep. People are just out there TALKING. LOUDLY! This is very annoying. It's supposed to be quiet hours between 10pm and 8am, and right now it is clearly past 11. Grr. They're just gathered outside, talking. I am outraged.

I got to talk to my sister for about two hours yesterday on skype. My mom briefly said hi, too. That was nice, it was good to be able to be comfortable talking to someone familiar. If there was an awkward silence, I could just make a funny face and she would laugh. I'm already trying to figure out the best weekend to go back for a visit. There are times when I wish I hadn't gone so far away.

Oh, and one thing I've already learned about my writing class is that I'm going to have to write in a blog for it. Lucky for me, I already have experience writing in a blog. Nobody reads it, but I still write.

Okay, that's enough for one night. I need to be able to get a good night's sleep and have time to get ready for my audition tomorrow morning.

First Class

As the title implies, today was the first day of classes. On Thursdays, I only have one class, and it is at 8:00 in the morning. It lasts for just under two hours, and then I am done for the week. So essentially, my first week of school was only an hour and 50 minutes. College rocks.

The class today was Drama 10: Production Theory. It's basically an introduction to scenic design, which I find very interesting. It's a lecture class, but the professor (tee hee, I have professors now!) gave us a syllabus for the quarter, and it looks like we'll have some cool assignments. I'm looking forward to it.

Living the College Life

It's been three days since I moved in, and I think I'm finally adjusting. The dorms are actually really nice, a lot nicer (and bigger) than the ones I stayed in during SPOP. And this hall has a piano. I am surprised at myself for not taking advantage of my first two roommateless days to blog (she moved in late), but I was just too tired and too busy meeting people (and re-reading old favorite webcomics...). So now I'm typing up a blog at a furiously fast pace before my roommate discovers what I'm doing, while she's distracted trying to make the alarm on her iHome work. She'll probably just figure I'm writing to somebody, anyway. Because, in a way I am. It's open to everyone, it's just that no one knows it's here. But whatever, I don't want to talk about that right now.

I've been having a lot of fun here, meeting new people and everything. Tomorrow I have my mega-audition in the evening. I'm feeling pretty good about it. Better than I have for any other audition. Hopefully, I'll feel the same way tomorrow at 8 pm.

I need to wrap this up because my roommate needs to go to bed (she has dance placement auditions early tomorrow). I can't do the counters anymore because they're no longer applicable (I've already left and it's not longer summer). I can't think of what else to do now... I'll figure it out later...

I should be sleeping right now, but...

It's the last night I'm staying in my room before I can no longer call it mine. I'll be able to sleep in the car, so who cares if I sleep tonight or not. I just have to make sure to not fall back asleep when I wake up in the morning.

I already filmed a video about this (that I will probably not have time to edit/upload tomorrow but oh well), so I feel like I've exhausted what I have to say about it. After thinking, I feel like I have an impossible amount of work left. Eargh...

I'll get it done, I'm sure. Now, to sleep in my bed for the last time until November (unless I come home for homecoming next month, which is possible).

Days until I leave: 2/3
Books I've read this summer: 20.8 (Only a few chapters left in Catcher in the Rye).

So so much dust...

Friday is my last day in this house until Thanksgiving, so naturally I've been cleaning my room and deciding things I need to pack. Today I finished my desk, so it's nice and organized really for the first time in about ten years. There was SO MUCH DUST under everything, and on top of everything, and permeating EVRYTHING! AUGHH!! So I stole the feather duster for the evening. I don't think it was. Now I'm seeing dust on everything I didn't just go over.

I think I'm mostly prepared for the move. The thing I'm most worried about at this point is my audition, but I have a few more days to prepare for that. I just want to make sure I have everything printed out before I leave, because I don't exactly know what the deal is with printing things, and I don't want to have to figure that out on a tight deadline...

Tomorrow I order headshot prints and get socks and fun colored tights. (The socks are because I don't have a single pair of socks that don't have a hole in them, and the tights are because want them ^^)

Sorry for the choppiness of this post, I'm trying to write while singing to keep my voice warm and limber. This makes it difficult to concentrate on what I'm writing.

Days until I Leave: 3
Books I've read this summer: 20

Vanity and sobbing

This morning I got up at 5:30 to take new headshots because the old ones have my long brown hair in them and not my shortish blonde hair. Technically, they have my long red hair in them, but I ended up using black and white because my acne looks so bad in them. It's gotten better since then, and with the early morning light and a little makeup, my skin actually looks really good in the new ones. My hair looks kind of frizzy (I knew I should've gotten the flatiron on Thursday when I went shopping!), but ultimately it's okay because I've decided that that's just what my hair does, and that's pretty much how it's gonna look at the audition anyway, unless I get a flatiron within the next week.
I have to work really hard not to retouch the hell out of my headshots because they're supposed to accurately represent my image. And if there's acne and flyaway hair in my picture, that just means I have acne and flyaways in real life, which I do. And come performance time, those can be used or fixed with the wonderful things that modern technology has developed. Since it's for theatre anyway (in this particular instance), the audience can't really see those small flaws from their seats, so it doesn't matter much. I still wish I had nice smooth skin and hair, though...

This afternoon, it really started to sink in to me that I'm moving next week. This time next week, I will be moved and in my dorm room, and my family will probably be back home already. It's strange and a little scary to think that this is it, I'm really going now. I have a week to pack and get all the rest of the last-minute essentials and then I'm out of here. Once I leave, I can't call this place home anymore, mainly because my dad has been really adamant about not letting me move back in. He'll let me come back for summer and holidays, of course, but once school is over, that's it, I'm totally on my own. I'm sure if I was homeless and broke he'd help me out, but I would feel bad about it. He's always talking about how I "took his youth" and he's already paying for all my college out of what I get the feeling was supposed to be his retirement fund. I know he loves me, and he's joking when he complains about what a burden I am, and he feels genuinely bad when he makes me cry (as was the case today when he brought up not really wanting to go to help move me in because I hadn't really made my feelings clear on the subject), but I can't help but take a little of what he says to heart. I am a bit of a burden, and I do spend too much of his money, and I do sometimes unthinkingly take him for granted. And now of course typing all this and thinking about it is making me cry again. So I think I'll just end this here so I can stop thinking about it and go to sleep.

Goodnight.

Interesting stories from post-high school life.

Okay, it's more like one story that happened today, but you get my point.

Anyway, today I was at the drugstore getting some stuff for before I take my new headshots on Saturday, and extra necessities for college, and I ran into a former classmate. She was fairly popular, ASB president last year and everything, but she was always really nice. We had two classes together last year, but I've never actually had a one-on-one conversation with the girl. I say hi and she hugs me and starts to talk like we were best buddies since forever. I'm not complaining or anything, but I just think it's odd that as soon as we're not going to the same school anymore she's suddenly all friendly. I don't know. I just thought it was interesting and wanted to share, even if there is no one here to read this. I can look back on this in a few years and think "oh yeah, I remember that."

I've realized that I write things like this (read:diaries and blogs that no one else sees) purely for myself. It's a good way to practice writing, to make sure I don't ever become totally illiterate or something. And it's a good way to record my thoughts and feelings at the current moment so that my future self can look back and remember how I was at this age, or what I felt at that age. Last night I was looking over all my old diaries (I have nearly ten diaries I've ever written in, but they're all less than a quarter full because I barely ever wrote in them, but I got them as gifts), and I noticed that a lot of my interests and goals have stayed pretty much the same. I've also always written in a way that I feel would be interesting for other people to read, even if no one else will ever see it. I've also loved the concept of being able to write eloquently and poetically (eg: Aug. 28, 1997: "Jamse but yet a drop of wottr"). I think the only things that have drastically changed in my diary entries are length, handwriting, and spelling/grammar. And crushes, those have changed a lot too. Otherwise, it's mostly the same. Writing style has improved, of course, but the same basic concept is still there. Telling the story of my life as it's happening, in a way that I think other people might want to read.

So I think that's what this is going to become. My newest diary. Since nobody reads it anyway, I feel comfortable talking about pretty much anything in here, and then if people do start reading, well, I guess I'll take it from there. Obviously I'll omit all the really personal things, but I see no reason not to write a blog that no one reads just like a diary. And I think the thrill that someone might actually stumble across this someday makes me more compelled to write. It is a lot easier to find something when it's posted on the internet instead of hiding in my desk drawer.

Days until I leave: 8
Books I've read this summer: collectively, I think it might amount to 19 now, if fractions of books are counted and added together.

Surgery and Relief

Today was my day to play caretaker.

This morning I got in the car at 9:20 AM with my mom and drove her to have a wisdom tooth removed (long story short: impacted, left in, now rotting), so I was anticipating having to take care of her all day. While she was in surgery, I drove around Santa Cruz, filmed a video, and bought some lovely books to kickstart my personal reading for college, once I move. The surgery took less time than expected and I was called by the receptionist to come pick up my mother and so they could give me some care instructions since my mom was pretty out of it. We got home, I got her situated on the couch and got her a smoothie to drink (because according to the pre-surgery instructions she hadn't been allowed to eat anything for the past 11 hours). Everything was going fine, aside from her occasionally wanting to get up and do something for herself, which was not a good idea at the time.

Then, I got a call from the high school saying my sister was feeling sick and needed to be taken home. Wonderful. So I went and got her while Mom stayed on the couch, and when I came back with my sister, I made them each a cup of tea. The rest of the day I ran errands for both of them and made sure they were feeling okay. My sister is good to go back to school tomorrow, but my mom is going to need care for the rest of the week, especially to make sure she takes the medicine they gave her in the right amounts (she'd forgotten that I already gave her medicine earlier today).

Also, I've been talking more to my roommate, and everything's been fine, and I got all worked up over nothing. I need to learn to trust that people won't judge so harshly based on a brief first impression.

Days until I leave: 11
Books I've read this summer: 17

Darn you, first impressions!

So I just found out who my roommate is because she sent me a friend request on facebook. After accepting, doing a wild and improvised happy dance, and glancing over her profile to get a quick idea of what she's all about, I proceeded to send her an excited message in a tone that I think would be best described as dumb sorority girl on acid, because that was kind of my mood at the time, and I have no idea how to otherwise start a conversation with someone I don't know at all.

I realize in hindsight that that may not have been the best idea, and now this girl is going to have a completely wrong impression of me. Yes, I am girly and I like pink and I'm really really excited at the moment, but that's really only one aspect of me. I'm also very tomboyish at times, and I can see myself getting sick of pink if it's going to be ALL OVER OUR ROOM. I'm usually shy and not so quick to make friends out of strangers (although after SPOP, I think that aspect of me has changed). I want to be a zombie fairy for Halloween, and I love geeking out about things like Harry Potter and computer games. But I also tend to bring out different aspects of my personality when I'm around different people. I'm afraid that having a super-girly roommate (as she describes herself on facebook) will impact most other people's first impressions of me as well because I might be hanging out with her a lot. On the other hand, who knows? Gah, I just want to hurry up and experience it already, instead of just thinking about it!!

Continuing to write about this and dwell about it is not helping, I'll just have to let things be, and see how they turn out. And really, I was hoping for someone I could be girly with because I like being girly. It makes life more fun sometimes, almost the same way being a nerdfighter does.

Days Until I leave: 12 (since it's midnight, I count today as over)
Books I've Read this summer: still only 17. I haven't been reading as much since I actually started this countdown.

On Writing

Yesterday, I spent the entire day with a friend, which was really fun because I haven't seen much of her all summer because she's been busy with work and school, and I was busy with work and depression, but yesterday we managed to both have time to hang out. A large amount of the time was spent discussing her writing (because she is an amazing writer, even if she doesn't always think so), and I realized that I am a rather shallow writer. I'm good with ideas and stuff, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of conveying them in an eloquent way, I kind of suck. I can easily conceptualize a plot, and I have ideas for how I want things to look to the readers, but it's difficult for me to show that through words. I think that is probably the reason I liked writing the script for VP last year so much, because I didn't have to worry about making the words in the direction look nice, just descriptive enough to paint a picture for any possible director.

And I've also realized that I'm not very good at creating complex and diverse characters. Sure, they may look different, but in essence they all have nearly the same personalities. I think the one exception I have to this is the news anchor in my script from last year. She was a real bitch, but I don't think I could have conveyed that as well if it were a finished medium like a novel. In reality, I only had to suggest her characteristics, and the director and actor playing her would figure it out and play up her personality.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to become a better writer, and I guess the only way to do that would be to practice writing (fiction) more. Now I just need to apply myself and actually do it...

Shopping Woes

There are officially no good places to shop around my house. The closest place to buy clothes is Kmart, which I think they've said is the smallest Kmart in the country or something, so the selection isn't even that good. Then the closest mall is going through some big changes and two of the department stores are closed right now, including the one that I bought nearly all of my clothes at before. The new store taking its place won't be open until after I leave. GRRRR. All the other places are either too expensive, or I don't like the clothes, or I already have everything I like from the store. The only other way to find clothes would be to go over the hill, but to do that you need to plan, like, a whole day.

This is really new for me. I have never disliked shopping as much as I do now. I think it's all because my favorite store closed. It was perfect for me. It always had things I liked, and they were affordable, and everything was sorted out nicely (juniors section over here, pajamas over there, workout clothes in this spot, lingerie in that spot, etc.). Now I just feel lost and discouraged. And I don't think it helps that I'm in pretty much the worst shape I've ever been in, so when I try on clothes, they don't look right or feel right, and the numbers go up way too high. Bleh.

All I really want is a pajama top that isn't sheer and full of holes and a couple of sports bras. Is that too much to ask?

Days Until I Leave: 16
Books I've Read This Summer: 17

Why am I so sleepy?

I can't seem to get motivated to do anything right now. Well, I guess I am writing a blog entry, but nobody will know because nobody reads this. But I suppose that's my own fault because I haven't told anybody about it. Whatever.

I saw Julie & Julia today with my mom. It was awesome, and Amy Adams and Maryl Streep are my two favorite people ever. I want to be just like them when I grow up. Especially Meryl Streep because who knows what kind of longevity a niche career like Amy Adams's will have.

I keep starting my paragraphs with "I." That is fitting, because this is a blog about me, and my life, and it's not like anyone else is around, but it keeps bugging me... Okay, I'll try again:

On Sunday, I spent the day downtown with my best friend, Alyssa, and we saw Post-Grad, which has another excellent actress in it, Alexis Bledel. After the movie, we ran around town trying to find a cheap copy of The Grapes of Wrath for her, but we ended up finding a library copy of The Laramie Project for me (it's one of the plays UCI is putting on this year). I want to get my own copy of it, though, because even if I don't get in, it's got some great monologues in it.

Hopefully I'll get around to making a video later. Alyssa chastised me for not putting up enough videos (she was my first YouTube subscriber). I just haven't been able to get motivated to make one, even with my fancy new camera. I'm blaming this one on the heat. It is too hot to be September.

Days Until I Leave: 18
Books I've Read this Summer: 17

Yesterday I got my new camera, which was super exciting. I believe this is the first thing I've bought with money that I earned from outside the family. I liked that feeling, and I hope to do a lot more of it in the future. Now, I wish I could say that I spent the rest of yesterday filming cool things to go on YouTube, but unfortunately, I can't. I did film a lot of things, but it was all just my family doing silly things, and I don't know their feelings about me putting them up online. My dad might not object so much, he has his own channel.I did get to posting a video yesterday of me acting like a Hannah Montana-obsessed 6-year-old. That will most likely be the last video I put up that was filmed on my still-frame camera. Woohoo, Hi-Def FTW!

I've been trying to adjust my sleep schedule to something that will reflect my school schedule more, so that when I start classes, I won't be running on no sleep at 8 AM. At least know I've proven to myself that I can be up and ready to go before 8. That's good...

The linens for my dorm bed came today. They're pink and stripey and they came in a humongous box. And I got a nice fluffy pink bath robe and towel set. Yay. I am seriously angsting about my room assignment though. I really, really, really, REALLY want to know my room assignment and roommate. My ideal living situation wold be on a second-floor room in Prado with a really nice roommate who is understanding of all my neurotic quirks and won't make fun of me for filming myself all the time. Perhaps that's a little too much to ask for...

I'm starting a counter here at the end because a) everyone is doing it and b) I feel like my blog entries don't have very good closure at the end, so this would be like a "final thought" sort of thing.
So:

Days until I leave: 22
Books I've read this summer: 17

Also, quick edit: I got to my dentist appointment on time, tired but okay, and I hadn't flossed enough since my last appointment. :-P

Going Dental

I am actually going to try to sleep today before 3 AM. The reason why? I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 8:30 IN THE MORNING! GAH! Why did I say yes to that? Oh yeah, because I'm an IDIOT.

Well, at least it will get me up, and then maybe I can actually be productive tomorrow. New camera should be coming, yay!

Gosh I hope I've flossed enough since my last appointment...

Survey stolen from hayleyghoover

I just spent the past hour filling out this survey. I didn't really have anything else to do.

1. What author do you own the most books by?

Lemony Snicket (all 13 in A Series of Unfortunate Events). Second place goes to Roald Dahl (12), and then J.K. Rowling (10). I also have 10 by Carolyn Keane (author of Nancy Drew) but that became a penname for many different people writing the series(es). And if graphic novels count, I actually have 21 by Rumiko Takahashi (InuYasha). [I also just realized that my sister and I have 43 American Girl books, but I don’t think any one single person writes all of those]

2. What book do you own the most copies of?

I have three copies of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, but one of them is in Spanish.

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

No, I never really got too grammatically intense with prepositions.

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

Haruka Tenoh (aka Sailor Uranus). Although, that’s not much of a secret.

5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?

I’ve read the first four in the Harry Potter series at least 20 times each, so I’m going to go with those. I started reading the series right after Goblet of Fire came out, and I’m the type of person that has to read a series in order from beginning to end every time I read it. So in the three years between GoF and OotP, I read those first four a lot. Funny enough, the last three are my favorites.

6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

The Harry Potter series, as it existed at that time.

7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?

I’m torn between Heart of Darkness and Sorrow of War. It’s not that they were bad books, it’s just that they were nearly impossible to get through, and I was being forced to read them.

8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?

That is very difficult to determine because I have read a lot of good books this year, particularly this summer. I just finished reading Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman, which was excellent, so that stands out to me a lot right now.

9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?

1984. Or The Stranger, I liked that book too.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

At the moment, I’m saying Paper Towns, although that’s pretty much because I know John Green is working on the screenplay, and I am the very image of Margo Roth Spiegelman as she is described in the book.

11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

I don’t know. I see every book I read as a movie in my head, especially if I’m a good type for one of the characters. And I’m always too optimistic about Hollywood producers not murdering a book in its movie before I actually see the movie.

12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.

One time I had a dream that I was Harry Potter, but I went to my school (Elementary at the time), and I was running for some school representative position at the time. And then Ron and I went back to our dormitory and started undressing, but instead of genitals, there were big black ovals in front of our crotches with a number on them (mine was 23). And Hermione walked in at some point, I think.

13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?

Probably, the Twilight series. I liked them, but it wasn’t the best writing I’ve ever read.

14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?

The Scarlet Letter, hands down.

15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?

I’m not sure what you mean by “obscure,” but if I’m interpreting it correctly, then I’d say As You Like It, or All’s Well That Ends Well. A Winter’s Tale was pretty obscure too. Conversely, the most overdone Shakespeare play I’ve seen live was Romeo and Juliet, but that was done really well, so it was worth seeing.

16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

That’s difficult. What if I chose my favorite one of each? Albert Camus and Anton Chekhov. Ha!

17. Roth or Updike?

Sadly, I’ve never heard of wither of them…

18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?

I’ve never read either of them, and I haven’t heard of Dave Eggers, but I keep meaning to read David Sedaris. My parents have at least five of his books.

19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?

Shakespeare. I have been in love with Shakespeare almost as long as I have been in love with Harry Potter

20. Austen or Eliot?

I don’t think I’ve read anything from either of them, but I’ve heard more about Austen

21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

All the authors mentioned above that I hadn’t heard of or read.

22. What is your favorite novel?

I like so many books, it’s hard to pick!

23. Play?

Classical: Twelfth Night because it was my introduction to Shakespeare, and I got to be Viola, and it involves cross-dressing and love-triangles, which I love.

Contemporary: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead because I love me some existentialism and absurdism. I also got to co-direct it Junior year. I also realize that it was taken from Hamlet, which is another Shakespeare play I like. Second favorite is Endgame, for the existential absurdistness!

24. Poem?

I really like Phenomenal Women by Maya Angelou, and The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.

25. Essay?

I don’t really read essays apart from peer edits, although my English teacher last year did give us an essay to read about the importance of shitty first drafts. That was a life-changing essay.

26. Work of nonfiction?

The Diary of Anne Frank.

27. Who is your favorite writer?

J.K. Rowling, definitely. I’ve also become a big fan of John Green. And, of course, Shakespeare.

28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

I’m gonna have to agree with Hayley on this one…

29. What is your desert island book?

That is an impossible question. Twelfth Night so I can perform it with myself on the island.

30. And... what are you reading right now?

An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

Last day of what will REALLY feel like summer.

Tomorrow is my sister's first day of high school. It's also the first day of school for every school I have ever been to, and I'm not going to school tomorrow, because school for me doesn't start for almost another month. She's enjoying her last day of freedom by spending it with horses, something she loves more than breathing. I am spending the day enjoying that it's not my last day of freedom before school starts.

I did get something in the mail vaguely implying that I would get my first assignment on September 4th or something, but I'm not actually sure if that's what it meant. It was for this back-up service my school endorses, and they mentioned something about ordering before then so you could have the service when you got your first assignment. I don't know. The whole thing was rather disappointing, really; I got this really thick envelope from the housing department today, and my mom thought it might be talking about which dorm I'm in and my roommate, but no. It was just stupid information I didn't need or already knew (they sent me an order form from a linens company that I already ordered my linens from! Talk about a waste of paper!).

It's gonna be weird tomorrow, not going to school when my sister is going. This will be the first time ever that she's going to school and I'm not, but I'm not sick. Although, some day (or maybe a few days) before I go off to college, I'm going to visit my old teachers, especially my drama and chorus teachers. And my best friend and I have already decided that we want to arrange a day when we go to school with our sisters (who are conveniently the same age) so we can wreak havoc. It'll be fun ^^

Also, I just wanted to acknowledge that today is August 25th, and I have 25 days left before I move to Irvine. I just thought that was a cool coincidence.

CRAP

I just realized that my audition is in exactly a month, and so far all I've done for it is say I need to read the plays and watch or listen to the soundtrack of the musical. I haven't thought of which monologues I want to use, what song fragment, or even what to wear. And my voice is so not up for anything big and important right now. And I've been overindulging the past couple of days, so I definitely don't feel like I'm in very good shape right now. I have a vague idea of what I want to wear, but the problem is that I don't currently own it. AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!

Okay, panic mode over, now time to plan the problem solving:

1) We're planning to go shopping tomorrow. I can get what I need then, and even go by the bookstore to pick up copies of the plays. I can order the soundtrack to Threepenny Opera online, and whatever books I don't find.

2) Cut back on the indulgence. It's time again for the "purge" part of the cycle again, so start it. Also, you're* getting up earlier again, so use that time to exercise, like you used to. If you don't feel like DDR, go on a walk or something. Especially when school starts for Allie, walk with her sometimes (like on days you want to visit).

3) Read some of the plays in the big drama textbook you stole last year (before you return it of course). Find a monologue/monologue fragment in there. Check out the soundtrack to Cabaret and try and find recordings of The Kurt Weill Songbook to find a song, if there aren't any you like from Opera.

4) Drink tea. It's relaxing and therefore helps. Especially drink it while singing along to Christina Aguilera and Evanescence, that'll help with the voice thing.

5) That oughta do it. Just relax, move, and be a success. Alright.

Good, I feel a little better now.

*At this point I start referring to myself in the second person. I noticed it, but didn't change anything because I felt like it looked better that way anyway, like I was giving myself orders. Which I was.

A Belated Update

The show closed on Sunday, almost a week ago. I actually went to the closing party, where I finally got to talk to some of the actors. I still felt out of place because I hadn't bonded with them as a fellow actor during the run of the show. I don't want to let that happen again, so I need to get my ass in gear for my mega-audition at school. I know, talk is cheap, but whatever.

I also got paid, and after depositing the check (cheque? or is that only how Brits and Canadians spell it?) I immediately spent it on a new video camera, which should be arriving next Thursday. I may or may not make another video before then. We'll see.

The past two days my life has been free of parents because they were off doing other things. Yesterday I was completely home alone all day (why didn't I take that opportunity to make a video? Oh, right, because I'm lazy.) and today I spent the day with my sister while our parents went on a hike in San Francisco. We each had half a pie and most of a can of whipped cream. I really hope I have time to exercise tomorrow.

It just sank in that I ate half a pie today, in the span of about three hours. Oh my god. I am such a glutton.

Or so it seems.

I did end up sleeping today. I finally fell asleep around 7, and I woke up at 3. This is what my life has become.

I only have to sit through 4 more performances of Wizard of Oz, and then I'm done. Hopefully that will also mark the end of my days as a spotlight operator, because this position is seriously killing me. Argh.

Okay, well, I have to get ready for work and have dinner and everything.

Life, You Suck.

So it seems I'm going through a bout of depression or something, I'm not entirely sure. Tonight/this morning mimics Monday night/Tuesday morning in that I frittered away a bunch of time, and when I finally tried to settle down to sleep, I found I couldn't. Although tonight was different in that I attempted to cry myself to sleep a little without success. So it seems I'm going to be pulling another random all-nighter for no reason other than spontaneous insomnia. The only problem is that I have to work tomorrow night. I should be arriving at work in about twelve hours. I doubt I will get any sleep between now and then. I suppose this means I will have to enlist caffeine. I hoped it wouldn't have to come to this, but this seems to be my only option at the moment, since sleep evades me, and I can't be passed out during a show. I can't help but think the shows made me like this, with the not having to be there until 6 most days, and not coming home until 11. Then the matinees majorly screw me over. I won't be able to make up for this tomorrow night/tonight because of the stupid Saturday matinee. I'll just have to be sure to go to bed as soon as I get home from the show tonight/tomorrow night.

I hate not sleeping. It messes up my sense of the day and the tense I should use. It still feels like Thursday to me because I haven't slept, even though it's Friday, and it's far enough into Friday that some early risers are already waking up. I hate knowing that people are waking up from a full rest when I haven't even fallen asleep yet, and have lost all hopes of falling asleep during this rest period. I could try to get to sleep now and wake up at two or something, but I don't like wasting my mornign like that. This whole reverse sleep cycle kills any possibility of social interaction, and as much as I like my alone time, I really love being around people, especially people I'm comfortable with like my family. Nothing is worse to me than being alone in a crowd. That's what I like the least about work. I feel so alone because I barely know anyone aside from my drama teacher, but she's still busy mourning her mother, and I don't want to risk upsetting her or anything. Everyone else I feel awkward introducing myself to because I have no idea how to start a conversation. Bleh, I hate my life right now.

Well, I'm going to throw another futile attempt into sleep, even though typing this got me all riled up and emotional again, and it's still too light to fall asleep, but I'd rather lie awake in the half-dark than try to do anything else right now. The book I'm reading is depressing at the part I'm at, and online life means I don't have any chance at all of falling asleep.

Sleepless Nights and Growing Resentment.

The garbage truck is driving by my house right now. I haven't slept yet, and I feel as though I won't sleep until what is technically tonight. That is how bad my insomnia is at the moment. This might be a good thing, it could reset my sleeping pattern so that I go to bed at around ten, so I'll wake up around eight or something tomorrow morning. I've already decided that if my cell phone alarm goes off at 9:30 and I haven't slept yet, I'm just going to have breakfast, screw the sleep. I don't even feel tired at the moment, probably because I've spent the last hour on the computer. I briefly talked to my friend on Facebook at five. She had just gotten up to get ready for work. When she left, no one was on.

On a completely unrelated note, there is a possible Oz performance on Wednesday that may or may not happen. At this point, it's TBA, and I sincerely hope that it doesn't happen. I'm sick of that show, and having to sit through it six more times instead of five might actually kill me. This is the longest running production I've ever taken part in, and being crew instead of cast is, to put it over-dramatically, slowly and painfully killing my soul. I realized this fully on Sunday. I came home after the show, and some of the first words out of my mouth were "I hate this!" and then I started to cry a little. I then proceeded to sign up for my audition time for the fall and winter UCI shows so as to prevent this from ever happening again. Hopefully for my Drama 101 credits, I can crew a dance show or something. And not operate any spotlights. If anything, I want to be running crew, I don't care how sweaty those dancers get.

A matter of shape and size

Just filmed a video. First time in weeks. Third video that really shows my hair since I cut it, and I'm talking about how my bangs are too long. If that's not a measure of my (YouTube) inactivity, I don't know what is.

*Begin impending rant-of-the-day*

I'm still going through the delusions of waking up early and having time/wanting to work out in the morning. I know in the back of my mind it's not going to happen, but I still want it to. I'm so out of shape it's depressing. It's even worse when my mom makes a comment like "when was the last time you exercised?" or if we're shopping, "Be sure to get what fits and not judge it by the number." I hate it when she assumes I have body image problems. I mean, I sort of do, but I don't want her to know that. Because then she says things like she feels she's failed as a parent, which by all means she hasn't. I've just chosen to ignore certain facts like "chocolate chips have lots of calories" and "exercising often is good for you." Well, okay, the last bit I don't ignore, I just don't really have time for it at the moment. But once I start school I'll have free membership to the very nice school gym, and not much time when I'm in class. Seriously, all I need are some friends who'll motivate me to go (or *gasp!* self motivation!) and I'll go. And maybe some cooler looking workout clothes...

Just to clarify, I'm not fat. In fact, as far as size goes, I'm smaller than average for America (I wear about a size 5 jeans, give or take depending on the cut and company). By out of shape, I mean I probably can't run a mile in under ten minutes (my all-time record was 8 min, 14 sec, in 7th grade. It's been going downhill since I started high school, and I haven't even run a timed mile since 10th grade PE). My doctor told me it might do me some good to lose a few pounds, and I have to agree. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to join the Nerdfighter Fitness challenge...

Photoshoppy Snob

I desperately need to upgrade my version of Photoshop. Right now I'm working with Elements 7, which is a slight downgrade from the CS2 I had on my old computer. Unfortunately, according to my dad, CS2 doesn't work on Vista. Although, he said way back in June that he would help me upgrade from CS2 to CS4, because Elements really doesn't work with what I use Photoshop for, but there hasn't been time. I use Photoshop to draw and paint, and the Creative Suite versions are amazing for that. Maybe not as amazing as an actual program that was meant to paint with, like Corel Painter or something, but it works for me. It's very easy to customize brushes and I feel like the brush strokes go smoother and I can do things manually more easily. Elements is made for people who want to quickly edit zits out of their photos, or make themselves look tanner, or add weird/cool effects without effort. That's nice and all, but that's not what I do in Photoshop. Recently (as in an hour ago), I've had a creative upsurge and started painting again, after months of not having any ideas, but the process is brutally frustrating. I feel like the program is designed to do things the quick and easy way instead of what I percieve as the "right" way. It doesn't even have blend modes!

I feel like I've been having all kinds of creative ideas building up inside me, but I haven't had the time or the proper means to create them. Not just drawings and paintings, but videos too. (I use Premeire Elements 7 for video editing, and there are some annoying "quick and easy" things about that too, but I was used to Elements 2 on my old computer, so really that's an upgrade, even after my experience with Final Cut at school). With my techie gig at Wizard of Oz, I just haven't had any time to film videos, or when I have days off, I'm so drained from the weekends that I don't feel like getting pretty and filming myself.

Bleh, it's just really frustrating. On the bright side, there's only one weekend left of the show, and then I get paid and can buy myself a nice new video camera, which I can use to film all those videos that I will have time for, especially once my sister starts school and my parents both have work (which I'm hoping will happen on at least some days before I move). There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Expulsion

So I've decided to bring a bit more culture or something into my blog by posting my poetry. The following is just some artistic vomit I typed up in ten minutes, so don't expect it to be brilliant or anything.

Numb to all the happenings
Of what of why of where
Numb to all the people who pass.
Through my selfish sufferings
I've learned to never care
About the things I'm told I lack.

And this is
A goodbye
A goodbye to all who questioned
My little lullaby.
And this is
A goodbye
To no one in particular.

I have felt the distance
I have felt the growing shame
Of knowing who I can and cannot face.
Nobody can see what
I long to remember
But I assure you that is not the case

And I've told you
That I love you
But I'm not sure if you knew
How much I meant it.
And I know you
Might not follow
The things that I am just about to say.

This was also posted on my deviantART account, because there people will actually read it. But hey, why not x-post here too?

Feeling a bit trapped

I've become increasingly upset with life over the past couple of days. The reasons are as follows:

1. Thursday was a morning show which I had to be there for at 9am. That is wayyyyy to early for someone who's become accustomed to going to sleep at 3am.

2. During said show, I found out via the stage manager over the headset in a passing comment to someone else that my high school drama teacher's mother died the previous day. (My high school drama teacher plays the Wicked Witch of the West, and her mother had been battling lymphoma (I think) for a long time.)

3. Every day since then, I have had to watch her grieve while trying to prepare for another show. It is so sad to see the pain in her eyes, and I have no clue how to deal with sad people. A friend has gotten mad at me in the past because I didn't comfort her properly after a loved one died in a highly publicized plane crash.

4. I still try to listen and be there for her in the few moments every day when she's passing me before her mic check, but I feel like I would be able to comfort her much better if I were acting in the show instead of tech. This brings up the bitterness once again from my failed audition for this show. And it's very hard to aim a light when you are so desperately longing to be on the other side of it.

5. I still need to sign up for auditions for my school plays. I'm afraid that I've waited so long that all the good audition spots will be taken, and then I won't do well in auditions, and I'll have to tech again in a show I could have been in, which makes me resentful of the world, and I feel like it stifles my creativity a little. It also makes me feel like I'm not good enough and never will be. I know this is untrue, but when that vicious cycle starts up, it's hard to break.

6. I feel as though I'm being exiled in my hometown. I went to two wonderful days of orientation, and I met people, and I spent the night in the dorms, and I ate in the dining hall, and it was wonderful. Now I'm back home for another two months (month and a half at this point, actually), and I haven't talked to anyone. There is facebook and people on it, but I start to feel antisocial.

7. Finally, I can't seem to go to bed at a decent hour. I keep wanting to wake up nice and early so I can actually do things with my day, but it never works. Even now, I'm spending time writing this stupid blog entry, however much it helps me let out my feelings, instead of washing my face and brushing me teeth so I can get to sleep.

Grr rawr.

I actually feel like I have days off now.

The best thing about working as a tech person in a show: a guaranteed Monday-Wednesday off. Worst thing: You know you have to work weekends. You are working exclusively weekends. Matinees are pretty up there too.

So yes, as a Monday, I don't have to work today. I had lots of plans for what I was going to do with my day, but they all sort of ended when I stumbled out of bed at 1:30 in the afternoon and didn't get dressed until around 4. At that point any hope for any productivity at all was shot. At least, productivity during daylight hours. But who knows, maybe I'll get inspired to make some sort of video later tonight. I do have some footage from Saturday around the shows from that day, so I could throw something together. But I really want to do something that involves split-screening. Eventually, you know?

GAAAAH! I FINALLY SAW IT!!!!!

First thoughts after seeing Half-Blood Prince:

--Such a mixture of hate and love. I mean really, never has the line between loving and loathing been so blurry. They ruined so much, but there was also so much good, I was bobbing up and down in my seat and squealing like an idiot. Overall, though, I think the good outweighed the bad, and it could have been a lot worse (i.e., the travesty that is the Goblet of Fire movie).

--What the hell Bellatrix?!?!? You were one of the characters that made the movie excellent in the last one! What happened? And that whole thing with her lighting the Burrow on fire? What?!?

--The relationships. Ohgahd the relationships. Dumbledore, don't be delusional, of course nothing is going on between Harry and Hermione. Honestly. On the other hand, the parallels between Harry's crush on Ginny and Hermione's crush on Ron had never been so clear to me. I liked that little bit. And Hermione+Anger+Canaries=Win, but Canaries+Solid Wall-Hitting Ron=Fail. He was supposed to have marks for weeks. Also, the adult relationships were completely lacking. Bill and Fleur? Where were they? Tonks's crush on Remus? Where was that? They just skipped right to calling each other "Sweetheart" quickly during Christmas. I thought the Ron and Lavender was excellent, though (Won-Won! Yay!). But I missed his dilemma about wanting to split up with her, although I suppose it happened essentially the same way.

--There was a different actor playing teenage Riddle. I am upset. I really liked the Chamber of Secrets memory!Riddle. I will always picture that one while I'm reading.

--The acting in general, though, was amazing. Felix! Oh! Harry should be on Felix Felicis all the time! That was hilarious. And all the darker, more serious things were good too. I like seeing Draco cry, he really is just a poor, tormented boy mixed up in the wrong crowd.

--Slughorn was too skinny and needed a moustache.

--Dumbledore loves knitting patterns!

--Unfortunately, he also left Harry with absolutely no idea as to what the other horcruxes might be. Harry didn't get the chance to fully comprehend Voldemort's love of trophies and power. How is he supposed to know that the other horcruxes are relics of the Hogwarts founders?

Alright, it's quite clear that my thoughts are rapidly disintegrating, so I think I'll leave that there. I'm also really eager to begin re-reading Deathly Hallows because it'll be my first re-read of that.