Vanity and sobbing

This morning I got up at 5:30 to take new headshots because the old ones have my long brown hair in them and not my shortish blonde hair. Technically, they have my long red hair in them, but I ended up using black and white because my acne looks so bad in them. It's gotten better since then, and with the early morning light and a little makeup, my skin actually looks really good in the new ones. My hair looks kind of frizzy (I knew I should've gotten the flatiron on Thursday when I went shopping!), but ultimately it's okay because I've decided that that's just what my hair does, and that's pretty much how it's gonna look at the audition anyway, unless I get a flatiron within the next week.
I have to work really hard not to retouch the hell out of my headshots because they're supposed to accurately represent my image. And if there's acne and flyaway hair in my picture, that just means I have acne and flyaways in real life, which I do. And come performance time, those can be used or fixed with the wonderful things that modern technology has developed. Since it's for theatre anyway (in this particular instance), the audience can't really see those small flaws from their seats, so it doesn't matter much. I still wish I had nice smooth skin and hair, though...

This afternoon, it really started to sink in to me that I'm moving next week. This time next week, I will be moved and in my dorm room, and my family will probably be back home already. It's strange and a little scary to think that this is it, I'm really going now. I have a week to pack and get all the rest of the last-minute essentials and then I'm out of here. Once I leave, I can't call this place home anymore, mainly because my dad has been really adamant about not letting me move back in. He'll let me come back for summer and holidays, of course, but once school is over, that's it, I'm totally on my own. I'm sure if I was homeless and broke he'd help me out, but I would feel bad about it. He's always talking about how I "took his youth" and he's already paying for all my college out of what I get the feeling was supposed to be his retirement fund. I know he loves me, and he's joking when he complains about what a burden I am, and he feels genuinely bad when he makes me cry (as was the case today when he brought up not really wanting to go to help move me in because I hadn't really made my feelings clear on the subject), but I can't help but take a little of what he says to heart. I am a bit of a burden, and I do spend too much of his money, and I do sometimes unthinkingly take him for granted. And now of course typing all this and thinking about it is making me cry again. So I think I'll just end this here so I can stop thinking about it and go to sleep.

Goodnight.