So it seems I'm going through a bout of depression or something, I'm not entirely sure. Tonight/this morning mimics Monday night/Tuesday morning in that I frittered away a bunch of time, and when I finally tried to settle down to sleep, I found I couldn't. Although tonight was different in that I attempted to cry myself to sleep a little without success. So it seems I'm going to be pulling another random all-nighter for no reason other than spontaneous insomnia. The only problem is that I have to work tomorrow night. I should be arriving at work in about twelve hours. I doubt I will get any sleep between now and then. I suppose this means I will have to enlist caffeine. I hoped it wouldn't have to come to this, but this seems to be my only option at the moment, since sleep evades me, and I can't be passed out during a show. I can't help but think the shows made me like this, with the not having to be there until 6 most days, and not coming home until 11. Then the matinees majorly screw me over. I won't be able to make up for this tomorrow night/tonight because of the stupid Saturday matinee. I'll just have to be sure to go to bed as soon as I get home from the show tonight/tomorrow night.
I hate not sleeping. It messes up my sense of the day and the tense I should use. It still feels like Thursday to me because I haven't slept, even though it's Friday, and it's far enough into Friday that some early risers are already waking up. I hate knowing that people are waking up from a full rest when I haven't even fallen asleep yet, and have lost all hopes of falling asleep during this rest period. I could try to get to sleep now and wake up at two or something, but I don't like wasting my mornign like that. This whole reverse sleep cycle kills any possibility of social interaction, and as much as I like my alone time, I really love being around people, especially people I'm comfortable with like my family. Nothing is worse to me than being alone in a crowd. That's what I like the least about work. I feel so alone because I barely know anyone aside from my drama teacher, but she's still busy mourning her mother, and I don't want to risk upsetting her or anything. Everyone else I feel awkward introducing myself to because I have no idea how to start a conversation. Bleh, I hate my life right now.
Well, I'm going to throw another futile attempt into sleep, even though typing this got me all riled up and emotional again, and it's still too light to fall asleep, but I'd rather lie awake in the half-dark than try to do anything else right now. The book I'm reading is depressing at the part I'm at, and online life means I don't have any chance at all of falling asleep.
Showing posts with label I am upset. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I am upset. Show all posts
Friday, August 14, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Feeling a bit trapped
I've become increasingly upset with life over the past couple of days. The reasons are as follows:
1. Thursday was a morning show which I had to be there for at 9am. That is wayyyyy to early for someone who's become accustomed to going to sleep at 3am.
2. During said show, I found out via the stage manager over the headset in a passing comment to someone else that my high school drama teacher's mother died the previous day. (My high school drama teacher plays the Wicked Witch of the West, and her mother had been battling lymphoma (I think) for a long time.)
3. Every day since then, I have had to watch her grieve while trying to prepare for another show. It is so sad to see the pain in her eyes, and I have no clue how to deal with sad people. A friend has gotten mad at me in the past because I didn't comfort her properly after a loved one died in a highly publicized plane crash.
4. I still try to listen and be there for her in the few moments every day when she's passing me before her mic check, but I feel like I would be able to comfort her much better if I were acting in the show instead of tech. This brings up the bitterness once again from my failed audition for this show. And it's very hard to aim a light when you are so desperately longing to be on the other side of it.
5. I still need to sign up for auditions for my school plays. I'm afraid that I've waited so long that all the good audition spots will be taken, and then I won't do well in auditions, and I'll have to tech again in a show I could have been in, which makes me resentful of the world, and I feel like it stifles my creativity a little. It also makes me feel like I'm not good enough and never will be. I know this is untrue, but when that vicious cycle starts up, it's hard to break.
6. I feel as though I'm being exiled in my hometown. I went to two wonderful days of orientation, and I met people, and I spent the night in the dorms, and I ate in the dining hall, and it was wonderful. Now I'm back home for another two months (month and a half at this point, actually), and I haven't talked to anyone. There is facebook and people on it, but I start to feel antisocial.
7. Finally, I can't seem to go to bed at a decent hour. I keep wanting to wake up nice and early so I can actually do things with my day, but it never works. Even now, I'm spending time writing this stupid blog entry, however much it helps me let out my feelings, instead of washing my face and brushing me teeth so I can get to sleep.
Grr rawr.
1. Thursday was a morning show which I had to be there for at 9am. That is wayyyyy to early for someone who's become accustomed to going to sleep at 3am.
2. During said show, I found out via the stage manager over the headset in a passing comment to someone else that my high school drama teacher's mother died the previous day. (My high school drama teacher plays the Wicked Witch of the West, and her mother had been battling lymphoma (I think) for a long time.)
3. Every day since then, I have had to watch her grieve while trying to prepare for another show. It is so sad to see the pain in her eyes, and I have no clue how to deal with sad people. A friend has gotten mad at me in the past because I didn't comfort her properly after a loved one died in a highly publicized plane crash.
4. I still try to listen and be there for her in the few moments every day when she's passing me before her mic check, but I feel like I would be able to comfort her much better if I were acting in the show instead of tech. This brings up the bitterness once again from my failed audition for this show. And it's very hard to aim a light when you are so desperately longing to be on the other side of it.
5. I still need to sign up for auditions for my school plays. I'm afraid that I've waited so long that all the good audition spots will be taken, and then I won't do well in auditions, and I'll have to tech again in a show I could have been in, which makes me resentful of the world, and I feel like it stifles my creativity a little. It also makes me feel like I'm not good enough and never will be. I know this is untrue, but when that vicious cycle starts up, it's hard to break.
6. I feel as though I'm being exiled in my hometown. I went to two wonderful days of orientation, and I met people, and I spent the night in the dorms, and I ate in the dining hall, and it was wonderful. Now I'm back home for another two months (month and a half at this point, actually), and I haven't talked to anyone. There is facebook and people on it, but I start to feel antisocial.
7. Finally, I can't seem to go to bed at a decent hour. I keep wanting to wake up nice and early so I can actually do things with my day, but it never works. Even now, I'm spending time writing this stupid blog entry, however much it helps me let out my feelings, instead of washing my face and brushing me teeth so I can get to sleep.
Grr rawr.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)