More adjustment.

Adjusting to life here is interesting... difficult but fun in a way. I've started to become close to people in a very short amount of time, with absolutely no one I already knew around. I've already found out that there are a few people in my hall that are in my acting class, which is good. One of them is in my suite (meaning we share a bathroom) so I won't be the only one getting ready that early in the morning. I feel the friendships beginning to form, but it's odd because I've never made friends with this many people this quickly. Before it was, like, one or two at a time over several years and introductions from other people. Now it's a whole bunch of people all at once that I may have seen briefly before at orientation or when I visited here in April.

I found out that we have to read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead for my acting class, which I directed in high school. That was an exciting moment for me, which turned into an embarrassing moment because the teacher then asked if anyone had "the book," which I thought meant R&G, so I excitedly said that I did because I had directed it, to which he replied "Oh, I mean the other book," by which he meant the required textbook for this class, which I also had. And then, of course, it was my turn to read the next portion of the syllabus. Gah, I'm so awkward.

In about three hours, I'll be in my writing class, the third and final class I'm taking this quarter. I think I already mentioned that I know some people in that class. I'm not entirely sure where the room is, but I know where the building is. I think I'll be able to figure it out from there.

College life is fun, I like it :)

Homesickness and Late Night Gatherings.

Brittney (my roommate) went home for the weekend, and even though we've only known each other a week, I miss her already, almost more than I miss my high school friends. I think it's because I know she's supposed to be here, and everyone else has other places they need to be. I still haven't made any other really solid friends here, although I'm not putting too much pressure on myself to do so. I already know that a girl from my hall and a girl I randomly met in the park on Monday are going to be in my writing class, and I'm sure there's a chance that someone I know will be in my acting class, and I've got all year to get to know people in my hall, so I'm not worried.

What the freaking hell? Some guys just walked past my room with a BLARING stereo in the middle of the freaking NIGHT! If I had been trying to sleep, that would have made it impossible! Who the hell blasts their stereo in the middle of the night?? I know tomorrow's only Sunday, but I have an audition at 9 AM! And they're coming by again! I don't want to close my windows because then it'll get really hot, but I might have to if I want to get any sleep. People are just out there TALKING. LOUDLY! This is very annoying. It's supposed to be quiet hours between 10pm and 8am, and right now it is clearly past 11. Grr. They're just gathered outside, talking. I am outraged.

I got to talk to my sister for about two hours yesterday on skype. My mom briefly said hi, too. That was nice, it was good to be able to be comfortable talking to someone familiar. If there was an awkward silence, I could just make a funny face and she would laugh. I'm already trying to figure out the best weekend to go back for a visit. There are times when I wish I hadn't gone so far away.

Oh, and one thing I've already learned about my writing class is that I'm going to have to write in a blog for it. Lucky for me, I already have experience writing in a blog. Nobody reads it, but I still write.

Okay, that's enough for one night. I need to be able to get a good night's sleep and have time to get ready for my audition tomorrow morning.

First Class

As the title implies, today was the first day of classes. On Thursdays, I only have one class, and it is at 8:00 in the morning. It lasts for just under two hours, and then I am done for the week. So essentially, my first week of school was only an hour and 50 minutes. College rocks.

The class today was Drama 10: Production Theory. It's basically an introduction to scenic design, which I find very interesting. It's a lecture class, but the professor (tee hee, I have professors now!) gave us a syllabus for the quarter, and it looks like we'll have some cool assignments. I'm looking forward to it.

Living the College Life

It's been three days since I moved in, and I think I'm finally adjusting. The dorms are actually really nice, a lot nicer (and bigger) than the ones I stayed in during SPOP. And this hall has a piano. I am surprised at myself for not taking advantage of my first two roommateless days to blog (she moved in late), but I was just too tired and too busy meeting people (and re-reading old favorite webcomics...). So now I'm typing up a blog at a furiously fast pace before my roommate discovers what I'm doing, while she's distracted trying to make the alarm on her iHome work. She'll probably just figure I'm writing to somebody, anyway. Because, in a way I am. It's open to everyone, it's just that no one knows it's here. But whatever, I don't want to talk about that right now.

I've been having a lot of fun here, meeting new people and everything. Tomorrow I have my mega-audition in the evening. I'm feeling pretty good about it. Better than I have for any other audition. Hopefully, I'll feel the same way tomorrow at 8 pm.

I need to wrap this up because my roommate needs to go to bed (she has dance placement auditions early tomorrow). I can't do the counters anymore because they're no longer applicable (I've already left and it's not longer summer). I can't think of what else to do now... I'll figure it out later...

I should be sleeping right now, but...

It's the last night I'm staying in my room before I can no longer call it mine. I'll be able to sleep in the car, so who cares if I sleep tonight or not. I just have to make sure to not fall back asleep when I wake up in the morning.

I already filmed a video about this (that I will probably not have time to edit/upload tomorrow but oh well), so I feel like I've exhausted what I have to say about it. After thinking, I feel like I have an impossible amount of work left. Eargh...

I'll get it done, I'm sure. Now, to sleep in my bed for the last time until November (unless I come home for homecoming next month, which is possible).

Days until I leave: 2/3
Books I've read this summer: 20.8 (Only a few chapters left in Catcher in the Rye).

So so much dust...

Friday is my last day in this house until Thanksgiving, so naturally I've been cleaning my room and deciding things I need to pack. Today I finished my desk, so it's nice and organized really for the first time in about ten years. There was SO MUCH DUST under everything, and on top of everything, and permeating EVRYTHING! AUGHH!! So I stole the feather duster for the evening. I don't think it was. Now I'm seeing dust on everything I didn't just go over.

I think I'm mostly prepared for the move. The thing I'm most worried about at this point is my audition, but I have a few more days to prepare for that. I just want to make sure I have everything printed out before I leave, because I don't exactly know what the deal is with printing things, and I don't want to have to figure that out on a tight deadline...

Tomorrow I order headshot prints and get socks and fun colored tights. (The socks are because I don't have a single pair of socks that don't have a hole in them, and the tights are because want them ^^)

Sorry for the choppiness of this post, I'm trying to write while singing to keep my voice warm and limber. This makes it difficult to concentrate on what I'm writing.

Days until I Leave: 3
Books I've read this summer: 20

Vanity and sobbing

This morning I got up at 5:30 to take new headshots because the old ones have my long brown hair in them and not my shortish blonde hair. Technically, they have my long red hair in them, but I ended up using black and white because my acne looks so bad in them. It's gotten better since then, and with the early morning light and a little makeup, my skin actually looks really good in the new ones. My hair looks kind of frizzy (I knew I should've gotten the flatiron on Thursday when I went shopping!), but ultimately it's okay because I've decided that that's just what my hair does, and that's pretty much how it's gonna look at the audition anyway, unless I get a flatiron within the next week.
I have to work really hard not to retouch the hell out of my headshots because they're supposed to accurately represent my image. And if there's acne and flyaway hair in my picture, that just means I have acne and flyaways in real life, which I do. And come performance time, those can be used or fixed with the wonderful things that modern technology has developed. Since it's for theatre anyway (in this particular instance), the audience can't really see those small flaws from their seats, so it doesn't matter much. I still wish I had nice smooth skin and hair, though...

This afternoon, it really started to sink in to me that I'm moving next week. This time next week, I will be moved and in my dorm room, and my family will probably be back home already. It's strange and a little scary to think that this is it, I'm really going now. I have a week to pack and get all the rest of the last-minute essentials and then I'm out of here. Once I leave, I can't call this place home anymore, mainly because my dad has been really adamant about not letting me move back in. He'll let me come back for summer and holidays, of course, but once school is over, that's it, I'm totally on my own. I'm sure if I was homeless and broke he'd help me out, but I would feel bad about it. He's always talking about how I "took his youth" and he's already paying for all my college out of what I get the feeling was supposed to be his retirement fund. I know he loves me, and he's joking when he complains about what a burden I am, and he feels genuinely bad when he makes me cry (as was the case today when he brought up not really wanting to go to help move me in because I hadn't really made my feelings clear on the subject), but I can't help but take a little of what he says to heart. I am a bit of a burden, and I do spend too much of his money, and I do sometimes unthinkingly take him for granted. And now of course typing all this and thinking about it is making me cry again. So I think I'll just end this here so I can stop thinking about it and go to sleep.

Goodnight.

Interesting stories from post-high school life.

Okay, it's more like one story that happened today, but you get my point.

Anyway, today I was at the drugstore getting some stuff for before I take my new headshots on Saturday, and extra necessities for college, and I ran into a former classmate. She was fairly popular, ASB president last year and everything, but she was always really nice. We had two classes together last year, but I've never actually had a one-on-one conversation with the girl. I say hi and she hugs me and starts to talk like we were best buddies since forever. I'm not complaining or anything, but I just think it's odd that as soon as we're not going to the same school anymore she's suddenly all friendly. I don't know. I just thought it was interesting and wanted to share, even if there is no one here to read this. I can look back on this in a few years and think "oh yeah, I remember that."

I've realized that I write things like this (read:diaries and blogs that no one else sees) purely for myself. It's a good way to practice writing, to make sure I don't ever become totally illiterate or something. And it's a good way to record my thoughts and feelings at the current moment so that my future self can look back and remember how I was at this age, or what I felt at that age. Last night I was looking over all my old diaries (I have nearly ten diaries I've ever written in, but they're all less than a quarter full because I barely ever wrote in them, but I got them as gifts), and I noticed that a lot of my interests and goals have stayed pretty much the same. I've also always written in a way that I feel would be interesting for other people to read, even if no one else will ever see it. I've also loved the concept of being able to write eloquently and poetically (eg: Aug. 28, 1997: "Jamse but yet a drop of wottr"). I think the only things that have drastically changed in my diary entries are length, handwriting, and spelling/grammar. And crushes, those have changed a lot too. Otherwise, it's mostly the same. Writing style has improved, of course, but the same basic concept is still there. Telling the story of my life as it's happening, in a way that I think other people might want to read.

So I think that's what this is going to become. My newest diary. Since nobody reads it anyway, I feel comfortable talking about pretty much anything in here, and then if people do start reading, well, I guess I'll take it from there. Obviously I'll omit all the really personal things, but I see no reason not to write a blog that no one reads just like a diary. And I think the thrill that someone might actually stumble across this someday makes me more compelled to write. It is a lot easier to find something when it's posted on the internet instead of hiding in my desk drawer.

Days until I leave: 8
Books I've read this summer: collectively, I think it might amount to 19 now, if fractions of books are counted and added together.

Surgery and Relief

Today was my day to play caretaker.

This morning I got in the car at 9:20 AM with my mom and drove her to have a wisdom tooth removed (long story short: impacted, left in, now rotting), so I was anticipating having to take care of her all day. While she was in surgery, I drove around Santa Cruz, filmed a video, and bought some lovely books to kickstart my personal reading for college, once I move. The surgery took less time than expected and I was called by the receptionist to come pick up my mother and so they could give me some care instructions since my mom was pretty out of it. We got home, I got her situated on the couch and got her a smoothie to drink (because according to the pre-surgery instructions she hadn't been allowed to eat anything for the past 11 hours). Everything was going fine, aside from her occasionally wanting to get up and do something for herself, which was not a good idea at the time.

Then, I got a call from the high school saying my sister was feeling sick and needed to be taken home. Wonderful. So I went and got her while Mom stayed on the couch, and when I came back with my sister, I made them each a cup of tea. The rest of the day I ran errands for both of them and made sure they were feeling okay. My sister is good to go back to school tomorrow, but my mom is going to need care for the rest of the week, especially to make sure she takes the medicine they gave her in the right amounts (she'd forgotten that I already gave her medicine earlier today).

Also, I've been talking more to my roommate, and everything's been fine, and I got all worked up over nothing. I need to learn to trust that people won't judge so harshly based on a brief first impression.

Days until I leave: 11
Books I've read this summer: 17

Darn you, first impressions!

So I just found out who my roommate is because she sent me a friend request on facebook. After accepting, doing a wild and improvised happy dance, and glancing over her profile to get a quick idea of what she's all about, I proceeded to send her an excited message in a tone that I think would be best described as dumb sorority girl on acid, because that was kind of my mood at the time, and I have no idea how to otherwise start a conversation with someone I don't know at all.

I realize in hindsight that that may not have been the best idea, and now this girl is going to have a completely wrong impression of me. Yes, I am girly and I like pink and I'm really really excited at the moment, but that's really only one aspect of me. I'm also very tomboyish at times, and I can see myself getting sick of pink if it's going to be ALL OVER OUR ROOM. I'm usually shy and not so quick to make friends out of strangers (although after SPOP, I think that aspect of me has changed). I want to be a zombie fairy for Halloween, and I love geeking out about things like Harry Potter and computer games. But I also tend to bring out different aspects of my personality when I'm around different people. I'm afraid that having a super-girly roommate (as she describes herself on facebook) will impact most other people's first impressions of me as well because I might be hanging out with her a lot. On the other hand, who knows? Gah, I just want to hurry up and experience it already, instead of just thinking about it!!

Continuing to write about this and dwell about it is not helping, I'll just have to let things be, and see how they turn out. And really, I was hoping for someone I could be girly with because I like being girly. It makes life more fun sometimes, almost the same way being a nerdfighter does.

Days Until I leave: 12 (since it's midnight, I count today as over)
Books I've Read this summer: still only 17. I haven't been reading as much since I actually started this countdown.

On Writing

Yesterday, I spent the entire day with a friend, which was really fun because I haven't seen much of her all summer because she's been busy with work and school, and I was busy with work and depression, but yesterday we managed to both have time to hang out. A large amount of the time was spent discussing her writing (because she is an amazing writer, even if she doesn't always think so), and I realized that I am a rather shallow writer. I'm good with ideas and stuff, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of conveying them in an eloquent way, I kind of suck. I can easily conceptualize a plot, and I have ideas for how I want things to look to the readers, but it's difficult for me to show that through words. I think that is probably the reason I liked writing the script for VP last year so much, because I didn't have to worry about making the words in the direction look nice, just descriptive enough to paint a picture for any possible director.

And I've also realized that I'm not very good at creating complex and diverse characters. Sure, they may look different, but in essence they all have nearly the same personalities. I think the one exception I have to this is the news anchor in my script from last year. She was a real bitch, but I don't think I could have conveyed that as well if it were a finished medium like a novel. In reality, I only had to suggest her characteristics, and the director and actor playing her would figure it out and play up her personality.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to become a better writer, and I guess the only way to do that would be to practice writing (fiction) more. Now I just need to apply myself and actually do it...

Shopping Woes

There are officially no good places to shop around my house. The closest place to buy clothes is Kmart, which I think they've said is the smallest Kmart in the country or something, so the selection isn't even that good. Then the closest mall is going through some big changes and two of the department stores are closed right now, including the one that I bought nearly all of my clothes at before. The new store taking its place won't be open until after I leave. GRRRR. All the other places are either too expensive, or I don't like the clothes, or I already have everything I like from the store. The only other way to find clothes would be to go over the hill, but to do that you need to plan, like, a whole day.

This is really new for me. I have never disliked shopping as much as I do now. I think it's all because my favorite store closed. It was perfect for me. It always had things I liked, and they were affordable, and everything was sorted out nicely (juniors section over here, pajamas over there, workout clothes in this spot, lingerie in that spot, etc.). Now I just feel lost and discouraged. And I don't think it helps that I'm in pretty much the worst shape I've ever been in, so when I try on clothes, they don't look right or feel right, and the numbers go up way too high. Bleh.

All I really want is a pajama top that isn't sheer and full of holes and a couple of sports bras. Is that too much to ask?

Days Until I Leave: 16
Books I've Read This Summer: 17

Why am I so sleepy?

I can't seem to get motivated to do anything right now. Well, I guess I am writing a blog entry, but nobody will know because nobody reads this. But I suppose that's my own fault because I haven't told anybody about it. Whatever.

I saw Julie & Julia today with my mom. It was awesome, and Amy Adams and Maryl Streep are my two favorite people ever. I want to be just like them when I grow up. Especially Meryl Streep because who knows what kind of longevity a niche career like Amy Adams's will have.

I keep starting my paragraphs with "I." That is fitting, because this is a blog about me, and my life, and it's not like anyone else is around, but it keeps bugging me... Okay, I'll try again:

On Sunday, I spent the day downtown with my best friend, Alyssa, and we saw Post-Grad, which has another excellent actress in it, Alexis Bledel. After the movie, we ran around town trying to find a cheap copy of The Grapes of Wrath for her, but we ended up finding a library copy of The Laramie Project for me (it's one of the plays UCI is putting on this year). I want to get my own copy of it, though, because even if I don't get in, it's got some great monologues in it.

Hopefully I'll get around to making a video later. Alyssa chastised me for not putting up enough videos (she was my first YouTube subscriber). I just haven't been able to get motivated to make one, even with my fancy new camera. I'm blaming this one on the heat. It is too hot to be September.

Days Until I Leave: 18
Books I've Read this Summer: 17