Yesterday I got my new camera, which was super exciting. I believe this is the first thing I've bought with money that I earned from outside the family. I liked that feeling, and I hope to do a lot more of it in the future. Now, I wish I could say that I spent the rest of yesterday filming cool things to go on YouTube, but unfortunately, I can't. I did film a lot of things, but it was all just my family doing silly things, and I don't know their feelings about me putting them up online. My dad might not object so much, he has his own channel.I did get to posting a video yesterday of me acting like a Hannah Montana-obsessed 6-year-old. That will most likely be the last video I put up that was filmed on my still-frame camera. Woohoo, Hi-Def FTW!

I've been trying to adjust my sleep schedule to something that will reflect my school schedule more, so that when I start classes, I won't be running on no sleep at 8 AM. At least know I've proven to myself that I can be up and ready to go before 8. That's good...

The linens for my dorm bed came today. They're pink and stripey and they came in a humongous box. And I got a nice fluffy pink bath robe and towel set. Yay. I am seriously angsting about my room assignment though. I really, really, really, REALLY want to know my room assignment and roommate. My ideal living situation wold be on a second-floor room in Prado with a really nice roommate who is understanding of all my neurotic quirks and won't make fun of me for filming myself all the time. Perhaps that's a little too much to ask for...

I'm starting a counter here at the end because a) everyone is doing it and b) I feel like my blog entries don't have very good closure at the end, so this would be like a "final thought" sort of thing.
So:

Days until I leave: 22
Books I've read this summer: 17

Also, quick edit: I got to my dentist appointment on time, tired but okay, and I hadn't flossed enough since my last appointment. :-P

Going Dental

I am actually going to try to sleep today before 3 AM. The reason why? I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 8:30 IN THE MORNING! GAH! Why did I say yes to that? Oh yeah, because I'm an IDIOT.

Well, at least it will get me up, and then maybe I can actually be productive tomorrow. New camera should be coming, yay!

Gosh I hope I've flossed enough since my last appointment...

Survey stolen from hayleyghoover

I just spent the past hour filling out this survey. I didn't really have anything else to do.

1. What author do you own the most books by?

Lemony Snicket (all 13 in A Series of Unfortunate Events). Second place goes to Roald Dahl (12), and then J.K. Rowling (10). I also have 10 by Carolyn Keane (author of Nancy Drew) but that became a penname for many different people writing the series(es). And if graphic novels count, I actually have 21 by Rumiko Takahashi (InuYasha). [I also just realized that my sister and I have 43 American Girl books, but I don’t think any one single person writes all of those]

2. What book do you own the most copies of?

I have three copies of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, but one of them is in Spanish.

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

No, I never really got too grammatically intense with prepositions.

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

Haruka Tenoh (aka Sailor Uranus). Although, that’s not much of a secret.

5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?

I’ve read the first four in the Harry Potter series at least 20 times each, so I’m going to go with those. I started reading the series right after Goblet of Fire came out, and I’m the type of person that has to read a series in order from beginning to end every time I read it. So in the three years between GoF and OotP, I read those first four a lot. Funny enough, the last three are my favorites.

6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

The Harry Potter series, as it existed at that time.

7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?

I’m torn between Heart of Darkness and Sorrow of War. It’s not that they were bad books, it’s just that they were nearly impossible to get through, and I was being forced to read them.

8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?

That is very difficult to determine because I have read a lot of good books this year, particularly this summer. I just finished reading Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman, which was excellent, so that stands out to me a lot right now.

9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?

1984. Or The Stranger, I liked that book too.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

At the moment, I’m saying Paper Towns, although that’s pretty much because I know John Green is working on the screenplay, and I am the very image of Margo Roth Spiegelman as she is described in the book.

11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

I don’t know. I see every book I read as a movie in my head, especially if I’m a good type for one of the characters. And I’m always too optimistic about Hollywood producers not murdering a book in its movie before I actually see the movie.

12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.

One time I had a dream that I was Harry Potter, but I went to my school (Elementary at the time), and I was running for some school representative position at the time. And then Ron and I went back to our dormitory and started undressing, but instead of genitals, there were big black ovals in front of our crotches with a number on them (mine was 23). And Hermione walked in at some point, I think.

13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?

Probably, the Twilight series. I liked them, but it wasn’t the best writing I’ve ever read.

14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?

The Scarlet Letter, hands down.

15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?

I’m not sure what you mean by “obscure,” but if I’m interpreting it correctly, then I’d say As You Like It, or All’s Well That Ends Well. A Winter’s Tale was pretty obscure too. Conversely, the most overdone Shakespeare play I’ve seen live was Romeo and Juliet, but that was done really well, so it was worth seeing.

16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

That’s difficult. What if I chose my favorite one of each? Albert Camus and Anton Chekhov. Ha!

17. Roth or Updike?

Sadly, I’ve never heard of wither of them…

18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?

I’ve never read either of them, and I haven’t heard of Dave Eggers, but I keep meaning to read David Sedaris. My parents have at least five of his books.

19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?

Shakespeare. I have been in love with Shakespeare almost as long as I have been in love with Harry Potter

20. Austen or Eliot?

I don’t think I’ve read anything from either of them, but I’ve heard more about Austen

21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

All the authors mentioned above that I hadn’t heard of or read.

22. What is your favorite novel?

I like so many books, it’s hard to pick!

23. Play?

Classical: Twelfth Night because it was my introduction to Shakespeare, and I got to be Viola, and it involves cross-dressing and love-triangles, which I love.

Contemporary: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead because I love me some existentialism and absurdism. I also got to co-direct it Junior year. I also realize that it was taken from Hamlet, which is another Shakespeare play I like. Second favorite is Endgame, for the existential absurdistness!

24. Poem?

I really like Phenomenal Women by Maya Angelou, and The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.

25. Essay?

I don’t really read essays apart from peer edits, although my English teacher last year did give us an essay to read about the importance of shitty first drafts. That was a life-changing essay.

26. Work of nonfiction?

The Diary of Anne Frank.

27. Who is your favorite writer?

J.K. Rowling, definitely. I’ve also become a big fan of John Green. And, of course, Shakespeare.

28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

I’m gonna have to agree with Hayley on this one…

29. What is your desert island book?

That is an impossible question. Twelfth Night so I can perform it with myself on the island.

30. And... what are you reading right now?

An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

Last day of what will REALLY feel like summer.

Tomorrow is my sister's first day of high school. It's also the first day of school for every school I have ever been to, and I'm not going to school tomorrow, because school for me doesn't start for almost another month. She's enjoying her last day of freedom by spending it with horses, something she loves more than breathing. I am spending the day enjoying that it's not my last day of freedom before school starts.

I did get something in the mail vaguely implying that I would get my first assignment on September 4th or something, but I'm not actually sure if that's what it meant. It was for this back-up service my school endorses, and they mentioned something about ordering before then so you could have the service when you got your first assignment. I don't know. The whole thing was rather disappointing, really; I got this really thick envelope from the housing department today, and my mom thought it might be talking about which dorm I'm in and my roommate, but no. It was just stupid information I didn't need or already knew (they sent me an order form from a linens company that I already ordered my linens from! Talk about a waste of paper!).

It's gonna be weird tomorrow, not going to school when my sister is going. This will be the first time ever that she's going to school and I'm not, but I'm not sick. Although, some day (or maybe a few days) before I go off to college, I'm going to visit my old teachers, especially my drama and chorus teachers. And my best friend and I have already decided that we want to arrange a day when we go to school with our sisters (who are conveniently the same age) so we can wreak havoc. It'll be fun ^^

Also, I just wanted to acknowledge that today is August 25th, and I have 25 days left before I move to Irvine. I just thought that was a cool coincidence.

CRAP

I just realized that my audition is in exactly a month, and so far all I've done for it is say I need to read the plays and watch or listen to the soundtrack of the musical. I haven't thought of which monologues I want to use, what song fragment, or even what to wear. And my voice is so not up for anything big and important right now. And I've been overindulging the past couple of days, so I definitely don't feel like I'm in very good shape right now. I have a vague idea of what I want to wear, but the problem is that I don't currently own it. AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!

Okay, panic mode over, now time to plan the problem solving:

1) We're planning to go shopping tomorrow. I can get what I need then, and even go by the bookstore to pick up copies of the plays. I can order the soundtrack to Threepenny Opera online, and whatever books I don't find.

2) Cut back on the indulgence. It's time again for the "purge" part of the cycle again, so start it. Also, you're* getting up earlier again, so use that time to exercise, like you used to. If you don't feel like DDR, go on a walk or something. Especially when school starts for Allie, walk with her sometimes (like on days you want to visit).

3) Read some of the plays in the big drama textbook you stole last year (before you return it of course). Find a monologue/monologue fragment in there. Check out the soundtrack to Cabaret and try and find recordings of The Kurt Weill Songbook to find a song, if there aren't any you like from Opera.

4) Drink tea. It's relaxing and therefore helps. Especially drink it while singing along to Christina Aguilera and Evanescence, that'll help with the voice thing.

5) That oughta do it. Just relax, move, and be a success. Alright.

Good, I feel a little better now.

*At this point I start referring to myself in the second person. I noticed it, but didn't change anything because I felt like it looked better that way anyway, like I was giving myself orders. Which I was.

A Belated Update

The show closed on Sunday, almost a week ago. I actually went to the closing party, where I finally got to talk to some of the actors. I still felt out of place because I hadn't bonded with them as a fellow actor during the run of the show. I don't want to let that happen again, so I need to get my ass in gear for my mega-audition at school. I know, talk is cheap, but whatever.

I also got paid, and after depositing the check (cheque? or is that only how Brits and Canadians spell it?) I immediately spent it on a new video camera, which should be arriving next Thursday. I may or may not make another video before then. We'll see.

The past two days my life has been free of parents because they were off doing other things. Yesterday I was completely home alone all day (why didn't I take that opportunity to make a video? Oh, right, because I'm lazy.) and today I spent the day with my sister while our parents went on a hike in San Francisco. We each had half a pie and most of a can of whipped cream. I really hope I have time to exercise tomorrow.

It just sank in that I ate half a pie today, in the span of about three hours. Oh my god. I am such a glutton.

Or so it seems.

I did end up sleeping today. I finally fell asleep around 7, and I woke up at 3. This is what my life has become.

I only have to sit through 4 more performances of Wizard of Oz, and then I'm done. Hopefully that will also mark the end of my days as a spotlight operator, because this position is seriously killing me. Argh.

Okay, well, I have to get ready for work and have dinner and everything.

Life, You Suck.

So it seems I'm going through a bout of depression or something, I'm not entirely sure. Tonight/this morning mimics Monday night/Tuesday morning in that I frittered away a bunch of time, and when I finally tried to settle down to sleep, I found I couldn't. Although tonight was different in that I attempted to cry myself to sleep a little without success. So it seems I'm going to be pulling another random all-nighter for no reason other than spontaneous insomnia. The only problem is that I have to work tomorrow night. I should be arriving at work in about twelve hours. I doubt I will get any sleep between now and then. I suppose this means I will have to enlist caffeine. I hoped it wouldn't have to come to this, but this seems to be my only option at the moment, since sleep evades me, and I can't be passed out during a show. I can't help but think the shows made me like this, with the not having to be there until 6 most days, and not coming home until 11. Then the matinees majorly screw me over. I won't be able to make up for this tomorrow night/tonight because of the stupid Saturday matinee. I'll just have to be sure to go to bed as soon as I get home from the show tonight/tomorrow night.

I hate not sleeping. It messes up my sense of the day and the tense I should use. It still feels like Thursday to me because I haven't slept, even though it's Friday, and it's far enough into Friday that some early risers are already waking up. I hate knowing that people are waking up from a full rest when I haven't even fallen asleep yet, and have lost all hopes of falling asleep during this rest period. I could try to get to sleep now and wake up at two or something, but I don't like wasting my mornign like that. This whole reverse sleep cycle kills any possibility of social interaction, and as much as I like my alone time, I really love being around people, especially people I'm comfortable with like my family. Nothing is worse to me than being alone in a crowd. That's what I like the least about work. I feel so alone because I barely know anyone aside from my drama teacher, but she's still busy mourning her mother, and I don't want to risk upsetting her or anything. Everyone else I feel awkward introducing myself to because I have no idea how to start a conversation. Bleh, I hate my life right now.

Well, I'm going to throw another futile attempt into sleep, even though typing this got me all riled up and emotional again, and it's still too light to fall asleep, but I'd rather lie awake in the half-dark than try to do anything else right now. The book I'm reading is depressing at the part I'm at, and online life means I don't have any chance at all of falling asleep.

Sleepless Nights and Growing Resentment.

The garbage truck is driving by my house right now. I haven't slept yet, and I feel as though I won't sleep until what is technically tonight. That is how bad my insomnia is at the moment. This might be a good thing, it could reset my sleeping pattern so that I go to bed at around ten, so I'll wake up around eight or something tomorrow morning. I've already decided that if my cell phone alarm goes off at 9:30 and I haven't slept yet, I'm just going to have breakfast, screw the sleep. I don't even feel tired at the moment, probably because I've spent the last hour on the computer. I briefly talked to my friend on Facebook at five. She had just gotten up to get ready for work. When she left, no one was on.

On a completely unrelated note, there is a possible Oz performance on Wednesday that may or may not happen. At this point, it's TBA, and I sincerely hope that it doesn't happen. I'm sick of that show, and having to sit through it six more times instead of five might actually kill me. This is the longest running production I've ever taken part in, and being crew instead of cast is, to put it over-dramatically, slowly and painfully killing my soul. I realized this fully on Sunday. I came home after the show, and some of the first words out of my mouth were "I hate this!" and then I started to cry a little. I then proceeded to sign up for my audition time for the fall and winter UCI shows so as to prevent this from ever happening again. Hopefully for my Drama 101 credits, I can crew a dance show or something. And not operate any spotlights. If anything, I want to be running crew, I don't care how sweaty those dancers get.

A matter of shape and size

Just filmed a video. First time in weeks. Third video that really shows my hair since I cut it, and I'm talking about how my bangs are too long. If that's not a measure of my (YouTube) inactivity, I don't know what is.

*Begin impending rant-of-the-day*

I'm still going through the delusions of waking up early and having time/wanting to work out in the morning. I know in the back of my mind it's not going to happen, but I still want it to. I'm so out of shape it's depressing. It's even worse when my mom makes a comment like "when was the last time you exercised?" or if we're shopping, "Be sure to get what fits and not judge it by the number." I hate it when she assumes I have body image problems. I mean, I sort of do, but I don't want her to know that. Because then she says things like she feels she's failed as a parent, which by all means she hasn't. I've just chosen to ignore certain facts like "chocolate chips have lots of calories" and "exercising often is good for you." Well, okay, the last bit I don't ignore, I just don't really have time for it at the moment. But once I start school I'll have free membership to the very nice school gym, and not much time when I'm in class. Seriously, all I need are some friends who'll motivate me to go (or *gasp!* self motivation!) and I'll go. And maybe some cooler looking workout clothes...

Just to clarify, I'm not fat. In fact, as far as size goes, I'm smaller than average for America (I wear about a size 5 jeans, give or take depending on the cut and company). By out of shape, I mean I probably can't run a mile in under ten minutes (my all-time record was 8 min, 14 sec, in 7th grade. It's been going downhill since I started high school, and I haven't even run a timed mile since 10th grade PE). My doctor told me it might do me some good to lose a few pounds, and I have to agree. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to join the Nerdfighter Fitness challenge...

Photoshoppy Snob

I desperately need to upgrade my version of Photoshop. Right now I'm working with Elements 7, which is a slight downgrade from the CS2 I had on my old computer. Unfortunately, according to my dad, CS2 doesn't work on Vista. Although, he said way back in June that he would help me upgrade from CS2 to CS4, because Elements really doesn't work with what I use Photoshop for, but there hasn't been time. I use Photoshop to draw and paint, and the Creative Suite versions are amazing for that. Maybe not as amazing as an actual program that was meant to paint with, like Corel Painter or something, but it works for me. It's very easy to customize brushes and I feel like the brush strokes go smoother and I can do things manually more easily. Elements is made for people who want to quickly edit zits out of their photos, or make themselves look tanner, or add weird/cool effects without effort. That's nice and all, but that's not what I do in Photoshop. Recently (as in an hour ago), I've had a creative upsurge and started painting again, after months of not having any ideas, but the process is brutally frustrating. I feel like the program is designed to do things the quick and easy way instead of what I percieve as the "right" way. It doesn't even have blend modes!

I feel like I've been having all kinds of creative ideas building up inside me, but I haven't had the time or the proper means to create them. Not just drawings and paintings, but videos too. (I use Premeire Elements 7 for video editing, and there are some annoying "quick and easy" things about that too, but I was used to Elements 2 on my old computer, so really that's an upgrade, even after my experience with Final Cut at school). With my techie gig at Wizard of Oz, I just haven't had any time to film videos, or when I have days off, I'm so drained from the weekends that I don't feel like getting pretty and filming myself.

Bleh, it's just really frustrating. On the bright side, there's only one weekend left of the show, and then I get paid and can buy myself a nice new video camera, which I can use to film all those videos that I will have time for, especially once my sister starts school and my parents both have work (which I'm hoping will happen on at least some days before I move). There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Expulsion

So I've decided to bring a bit more culture or something into my blog by posting my poetry. The following is just some artistic vomit I typed up in ten minutes, so don't expect it to be brilliant or anything.

Numb to all the happenings
Of what of why of where
Numb to all the people who pass.
Through my selfish sufferings
I've learned to never care
About the things I'm told I lack.

And this is
A goodbye
A goodbye to all who questioned
My little lullaby.
And this is
A goodbye
To no one in particular.

I have felt the distance
I have felt the growing shame
Of knowing who I can and cannot face.
Nobody can see what
I long to remember
But I assure you that is not the case

And I've told you
That I love you
But I'm not sure if you knew
How much I meant it.
And I know you
Might not follow
The things that I am just about to say.

This was also posted on my deviantART account, because there people will actually read it. But hey, why not x-post here too?

Feeling a bit trapped

I've become increasingly upset with life over the past couple of days. The reasons are as follows:

1. Thursday was a morning show which I had to be there for at 9am. That is wayyyyy to early for someone who's become accustomed to going to sleep at 3am.

2. During said show, I found out via the stage manager over the headset in a passing comment to someone else that my high school drama teacher's mother died the previous day. (My high school drama teacher plays the Wicked Witch of the West, and her mother had been battling lymphoma (I think) for a long time.)

3. Every day since then, I have had to watch her grieve while trying to prepare for another show. It is so sad to see the pain in her eyes, and I have no clue how to deal with sad people. A friend has gotten mad at me in the past because I didn't comfort her properly after a loved one died in a highly publicized plane crash.

4. I still try to listen and be there for her in the few moments every day when she's passing me before her mic check, but I feel like I would be able to comfort her much better if I were acting in the show instead of tech. This brings up the bitterness once again from my failed audition for this show. And it's very hard to aim a light when you are so desperately longing to be on the other side of it.

5. I still need to sign up for auditions for my school plays. I'm afraid that I've waited so long that all the good audition spots will be taken, and then I won't do well in auditions, and I'll have to tech again in a show I could have been in, which makes me resentful of the world, and I feel like it stifles my creativity a little. It also makes me feel like I'm not good enough and never will be. I know this is untrue, but when that vicious cycle starts up, it's hard to break.

6. I feel as though I'm being exiled in my hometown. I went to two wonderful days of orientation, and I met people, and I spent the night in the dorms, and I ate in the dining hall, and it was wonderful. Now I'm back home for another two months (month and a half at this point, actually), and I haven't talked to anyone. There is facebook and people on it, but I start to feel antisocial.

7. Finally, I can't seem to go to bed at a decent hour. I keep wanting to wake up nice and early so I can actually do things with my day, but it never works. Even now, I'm spending time writing this stupid blog entry, however much it helps me let out my feelings, instead of washing my face and brushing me teeth so I can get to sleep.

Grr rawr.